Argh.

2003-07-01T01:21:00.000+03:00

Feel like such a fucking *twat*.

Everything I post seems to be ultra-flammable. Maybe it's the hormonal mess, maybe it just is me being the stupid fucking idiot rushing headlong into things again, not considering others' feelings. Like the grouse diving into the snowbank who isn't aware of rocks underneath (I don't think that awareness is programmed into the brains of galliformes, ironic, isn't it?). Clunk.

Go and read the bloody fic already! (well, saying that isn't going to make me look any nicer, is it?)

Slump.

2003-06-30T18:31:00.000+03:00

Mwhahaha!

Jem! We're sisters! Again!

[take the test] - [by krystaljungle.com]

2003-06-30T18:25:00.000+03:00

Desperate.
Fucking.
Pimpage.

Comment, at least here or something. I NEED your feedback like I need air. Please.

Zenia's story and mine. Worship hers, then read my feeble effort...

They're not even long, for fuck's sake. And the link has a Finnish synopsis of B7 as well.

Please pamper a sick grouse:P.

2003-06-27T00:08:00.000+03:00

Blogger is hetero scum. Nothing much to see here anymore; except the archives. I'm mostly ranting away at Livejournal nowadays, though I prefer the layout here. Easier to fiddle with and stuff.

In recent news, recent health problems have prevented me from attending the Reclaiming weekend. Fuck. For once we get someone here to teach it, not that I've been desperate to learn more about the practicalities of it for the past eight years or anything, and then my body decides to think it's *pregnant*. Leading to massive hormone disturbances and other crap. I'll just have to sit here and cramp and bleed thanks to the drugs the doc gave me. I thought only dogs had false pregnancies! My body's taking that "BITCH" t-shirt that I bought far too fucking seriously.

*sigh* Also, need more B7 icons on my LJ.

2003-06-25T22:31:00.000+03:00

Urgh. Back again. And yes, my inbox is dead *again*. Will someone kill the phnet people for me? I'll probably have to ask my sister (who doesn't know shit about FTP) to delete some files from my site--the thought makes me shudder.

But hey, more Redemption pictures, this time on Calle's site. Even ones from the Man of Iron performance, just ignore the fat redhead cackling her lungs out. Note to self: stop... drinking... White... Lightning...

And oh yeah, Steve's got some Redemption pictures up as well. Big fat download, so beware. All the pictures of people looking baffled are from the Freedom City party, I think. Oh yeah, I think it's Man of Iron performance #2, with Gemma's dolls and my cider can as Avon. Lots of nice pics here. And Mr. Moley got in too! The one where I have my mouth gaping open stupidly is probably after just having retrieved Mr. Moley from Og Steve's clutches. And the second to last picture just reminds me of how badly I need to get to a scanner--I was doing a grouse/mouse drawing of Gina and me hugging (with implied Avon/Travis slash going on in a thought bubble--don't ask), and it turned out rather nicely. And the last one, of the lovely Jen, makes me regret that I didn't get anyone to take a Hair Fetish picture, it would've had her, me and Marian Mendez on it *grin*. At least *some* people are as nuts as I am about growing their hair.

Must... get... to... a... scannerrrr!!

2003-06-15T20:11:00.000+03:00

Jem, are you happy now?:)

WIDTH="88" HEIGHT="130" ALT="Want to Get Sorted?">

I'm
a Slytherin!

Saw HPaTPS last night. Entertaining. Snape=yum. Although I had weird dreams the following night where I was Potter, was running around dungeons and cellars and pissed off that Snape *wasn't* stalking me.

2003-06-14T17:43:00.000+03:00

Ah, I see Jem pointed her location already... ouch! Don't stand on my head!:D

Go ahead, people!

Pinpoint yourself!

2003-06-14T10:02:00.000+03:00

Look to your left. Take a minute to fiddle with my GuestMap; I'd love to know where you guys live.

2003-06-14T05:20:00.000+03:00

eep. testing new template.

2003-06-12T17:11:00.000+03:00

Oh. Bloger has changed. Well, well, well.

Another silly test:

Find out which Xena girl you are.

2003-06-09T21:34:00.000+03:00

I guess I'd better post the interview meme here as well. Halimede asked me:

1. Why snowgrouse?

Snowgrouse (lagopus lagopus) because it's my totem animal--the animal that is most like me. I didn't pick it myself, it picked me. Some years ago, I suddenly started seeing snowgrouse in my dreams and meditations, guiding me on. I went "WTF?" but the more I read about the nature and behaviour of these birds the more astonished I was: they are very much like me indeed! That includes the bad bits, as well, like being noisy and randy and clumsy and a bit thick sometimes:D...

2. What makes a sex scene work in fic, in your opinion? What kind of sex scenes do you like reading best?

Hm. Difficult question--different writers have different styles, and I like several. My favourite slash writer *ever* must be M. Fae Glasgow. She writes intense, strong emotions between the characters, they're full of *energy*... so that when they end up having sex, it's explosive. I like the poetry of her writing, she describes things beautifully. Strong characterization and explicit sex--ahhh. The more explicit the sex is, the better--I feel like I'm cheated out of some good hot stuff if I encounter smut-eating asterisks or only vague references to the characters having sex (especially if there's been a hot lead-up, either a seduction or an emotional rollercoaster). Explicit does *not* equal "brilliant", obviously. There are a lot of crap writers out there. I only like skilled ones. Predatrix, Julia Stamford, Willa Shakespeare, Te, Torch and others--they all write brilliant, explicit sex scenes within emotionally intense stories with good characterizations. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a complete smut whore--but it has
to be *good* smut. No "ohgods, Roj, gods, AIEE!"s or anything...

3. What makes a fic work, in your opinion? Which stories do you read again and again?

I think the above applies to any story, as I mostly read slash anyway:). Beautiful writing, explosive character interaction, hot sex, bittersweet angst or gut-busting humour... those are the things that do it for me. I've lost count of how many times I've read the B7 stories on the Oblique archive, and my Pred zines are getting dog-eared already...

4. Have you ever received feedback/criticism on a creative endeavour that really helped you improve? What kind of criticism do you learn the most from?

I've learned from harsh criticism--it really makes me *look* at what I've written:). Criticism that is about questions of *taste* just pisses me off--I write the sort of stuff that comes out naturally, and if flowery metaphors and prose poem styles and "the-scene-is-the-plot" sort of stories piss someone off, well, too bad. (Actually, I think the term "PWP" is inaccurate a lot of the time--for me, even a story with just a sex scene is full of plot because the characters are going through a journey there, if it's a well written story.) I can't write straight plot (besides, I hate stories that are 95% boring plot with characters going from A to B to C, and not enough emotionally intense/strong character interaction--it's more frustrating than anything else). I'm not very good at dialogue (although I'm learning). So I tend to write things from a tight POV inside a character's head with minimum dialogue but lots of description, and I want to give the prose some beauty and a good rhythm.

Oops. Off on a rant there... anyway, the criticism I learn most from is the sort that points out inconcistencies ("where the hell are they sitting now?" "Does Blake have three hands?"), and, as English is only my second language, I value grammar checking more than anything else.

5. Often a persons biggest strength is also a weakness. What is your biggest strength? Is it also a weakness? What is your biggest weakness? Is it also a strength?

Oh dear. Is this as in writing or in general? My greatest weakness is my laziness and depression/insomnia, but fuck if it doesn't give me time and inspiration for stories and artwork...:D And when I come up with stuff that I am actually reasonably happy with, that usually means I'm skiving off work or other RL stuff... *innocent whistle* I use the talents I have for completely wrong purposes. *grin* "Oh, you need to see my graphic design portfolio? Erm.. well, I've got this sketchbook here..." *glances at sketchbook, sees only hundreds of sketches of B7 characters shagging in every imaginable and unimaginable position* "Erm..."

***

Drop me a note if you want me to interview you, or if you want to interview me:).

2003-06-09T18:14:00.000+03:00

Back on tight low-carb (max. 30 g carbs per day), day one. I weigh like a ton. Never been this fat in my entire life--I walk like a penguin because my thighs are so huge, and breathe heavily because of the huge amounts of fat on my tummy:(. Arse. Up yours, SouthamptonXP.

Also have a bloody horrible cold. Probably SARS. Nah, didn't catch it at the airport, but probably at Wookey Hole where Frank took me on Friday. Lovely place, and I can name the exact episodes of Doctor Who, Blake's 7 and Robin of Sherwood filmed there8D. Maybe this cold is the Wookey Witch's curse. My head hurts!:P

Ug. Can't think. Brain fart. Sauna tonight, haven't had one for six months and feel like *shit*...

2003-06-09T05:28:00.000+03:00

Back in Suomi Finland Perkele.

BTW: the snowgrouse at phnet dot fi addy *seems* to be working again. Fingers crossed. Emails welcome, dahlings.

Nag nag nag: Motherfucking Heathrow. Finnair flights: Terminal 1. Number of departure gates on Terminal 1: 56. The Finnair departure gate: Gate 56. This is what I fucking HATE about Heathrow and Gatwick. You have to walk about a bloody kilometre (I'm not joking in the case of Gatwick) to get to your gate. Both airports are so huge that the check-in and security control queues are endless, so a lot of the time you end up having to *run* to the fucking gate. ARGH!

Tired. Frazzled. Missing Frankymole. Mr. Moley (the toy) misses Mrs. Mole (yes, the other toy) and sobs, complaining about being squashed in the bag while travelling.

Blargh. 5:30 local time, too fucking frazzled to type much more. More news as it happens. Need to clear my head and body and everything first... argh! Send prayers to whichever deity/demon/archetype/whatever in charge of scanning and Photoshopping so that s/he/it/whatever will lift me out of my stress and alcohol and health problems...

O Fandom, resurrect thy devoted priestess!

(Jem: any prayers to Thoth? I was born on his day... )

2003-06-06T07:54:00.000+03:00

On second thought, maybe I could Photoshop-morph the other girl into Cally... *heh heh heh* Mary Sue lives!

2003-06-06T07:17:00.000+03:00

Oh... my... Goddess.

*empty stare*

I think I've found one of the most disturbing webpages *ever*. Disturbing because it's very TMI, in a way. This lesbian porn page here popped up while Frank was surfing the other night, and he spluttered... "your night off, is it?" I went "hm?", then looked at the page and nearly had a heart attack.

It's official. I have a clone. Although with better looking hair, a bit more height and no extra weight. But the face is frighteningly similar (alongside other bits, as you'll see if you've ever had the misfortune of seeing me in the sauna). Hell, she looks more like me than my *sister* does. Compare those pics to this recent one of me from Redemption (on Steve's site), kissing Mr. Moley.

Ah well. I guess the people on Spuriwho/Sadwank who threatened to make porn fakes of me (!) don't need to bother anymore... but, still... Help. HELP!

2003-06-05T04:54:00.000+03:00

Blah.

Got tickets for a London-Helsinki flight for Sunday (yay!) , fingers crossed I'm alive by the time I reach home. So pissed off I have such limited time on Frank's computer. Blah. Need to scan! Need to write fic! Need to waffle! WAAH!

Entertain me, dammit.

2003-06-03T07:34:00.000+03:00

The far-too-late Friday Five:

1. What do you most want to be remembered for?

Doing good stuff (Pagan activism, fannish stuff) and (to some) be remembered as a nice person.

2. What quotation best fits your outlook on life?

I can't seem to think of anything at the moment that wouldn't sound cheesy. At the moment it could easily be one of The Great Goddess Mae West's: "I used to be Snow White, but I drifted".

3. What single achievement are you most proud of in the past year?

Urp...surviving alive from my first year at college, although I failed the ultra-stressful course (7-10 people in my class had nervous breakdowns and withdrew from the course, so I wasn't alone--the course was, and is, too fucking gruelling). The past nine months have been hideous, they were *all* one big nervous breakdown/burnout, causing my collapse into alcoholism and generally bad health. If I'm still alive and in Finland next week it will be fucking AMAZING:P.

4. What about the past ten years?

Pagan organisational stuff. Fannish stuff. Making friends.

5. If you were asked to give a child a single piece of advice to guide them through life, what would you say?

"Judge by yourself, don't let anyone try to change you, stuff morals/religion/"acceptable behaviour" down your throat, find your own truth, and let tolerance and gentleness be your guide. If you harm none, do as you will."

2003-06-03T07:13:00.000+03:00

you have an ominosity quotient of
eight.
you are more ominous than the creators of this quiz. good god.

find out your ominosity quotient.

Which reminds me, I need to finish that "which B7 villain are you?" quiz I've been working on for ages.

2003-06-03T07:12:00.000+03:00

Perkele.

At Frank's place, HOPEFULLY getting back to Finland this weekend. Having trouble with my email again, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE email me at snowgrouse at yahoo dot com (yup, Hotmail is dying as well so don't bother with that spamfilled piece of shit).

When I'm back in Finland, I *may* be able to finally sort out the bloody phnet crap. Fingers crossed, thumbs up, insert your own signal for "good luck".

Also, if and when I get back to the Mosquito Coast (prefer Brit summer, no bloody mosquitoes), I'll finally be able to scan and write and draw and photoshop and post stuff. Hooray! Got tons of stuff I want to post. Mostly the usual B7 waffle&porn, but some fun from Silver Arrow 2003 as well (RoS con). I haven't developed the films yet, but I dread the results already. "See Auntie make an idiot of herself in front of Michael Praed, Judi Trott, Jeremy Bulloch, Robert Addie and Phil Rose!" Argh...

Also, need to go on a diet and try to cure my alcoholism (yes, it *is* alcoholism) when I go back. Britain has many lovely things but I'm secretly scared of going back in the autumn because I fear I will become a drunkard *again*:(.

Anyhow... it's five AM now, better try and stay awake a couple of more hours so I can go to Bristol in the morning. Need to book a flight home. Wish me luck, please...:(

2003-04-25T17:48:00.000+03:00

Olemme pingviini?

I am a
DRUNK
penguin
You are probably a little moody, but usually a
happy moody. You crazy buzzed bird you.

What kind of penguin personality are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-25T03:58:00.000+03:00

Oh, and in case anyone's forgotten, my hotmail addy (mistfowl at hotmail dot com) is the only one working right now. Point your cruise missiles towards the Phnet offices in Lahti, Finland. Thank you very much.

2003-04-25T03:47:00.000+03:00

Perkele.
*Still* not resubscribed to FC.
So I'll have to scream here.

I *hate* "Careless Whispers". If there ever was a story to
have everything that can be shit about fanfic, this would be it.
Manna wrote a wonderful critique of it, if and when she ever
puts it up somewhere I'll link to it. I'm sorry but there's
a certain limit of what my brain can take. And this is
your resident purple prose purveyor here (my stuff may be
purple, but it sure as hell isn't happy). If I hear one more
person singing the praises of CW, I swear my brain's going
to go the way of the Ultraworld core. Yeah, turn into a
giant blob that wobbles and dies by farting lightning.

Mush is fine--in small amounts (Isis' "Heat" probably should be
a guilty pleasure, but it's a good example of IMHO enjoyable mush).
But Careless bloody Whispers just takes mush to a whole new level.
One "oh gods", I can take. Multiple "ohgodroj"s and "aiee! Kerr!
AiiiEEE!"s, I can't. It's as if someone's removed Blake and Avon's
personalities and replaced them with Harlequin/Mills & Boon romance
characters. Shudder. Did I mention I hate romance novels?
*stabstabstab*

Ack. I think I need some Oblique therapy. Must... have... correct...
characterisation... and... well-written... suffering... and...
proper... sex... scenes...

*flump*

2003-04-22T17:12:00.000+03:00

Blogger is dying. I'm still alive though--hope this comes through.

2003-04-11T18:12:00.000+03:00

Hello?

Does this fucking thing work anymore?!?

2003-03-27T21:49:00.000+02:00

Starting to tremble again.

*Shit*.

Massive urge to go and buy something alcoholic. Feel like such a fucking wreck. Wonder how much longer I can type with my hands trembling like this? I need to go to the shops and buy some food, and of course every little shop around here is also an off-licence. It's funny. In Finland, there's only one specialist chain that sells alcohol, Alko, and there are only a couple of Alkos in Lahti, but *here*, you can get vodka from the supermarket and the cornershop. Of course, when I came here I thought this was a good thing. Now I'd be happy if the situation were the same as it is in Lahti. The off-licence would be far enough for me to just say "fuck it" and not be arsed to go there.

I'd also want to be able to drink socially, like normal people. But how can I be sure it'll just be *one* pint down the pub and *one* only? *sigh*. I feel like I should have some fucking guardian, because I'm too stupid and depressed to avoid seeking intoxication, whatever form it may take. It's funny--I need to be alone, but I can't live without support, I'm totally helpless. I'd say "needing Mum", if my Mum and I were more on the same wavelength, but we aren't. Blah. No, things aren't very good right now.

2003-03-27T21:16:00.000+02:00

She never stops, does she? Watching Horizon over and over again and making silly drawings of Sexgod!Blake. This time they've even got their clothes on. Although Avon's thoughts upon seeing The Blakesprawl are exactly just as dirty as mine. Or, come to think of it, I wouldn't even *bother* being in denial...

2003-03-27T20:26:00.000+02:00

Bloody hell. I can't believe I've actually managed to scan a picture of a chained-up Avon who's naked, aroused and wearing a cockring. It's on the drawings page, behind a link. Take a look before Geocities finally notices and kills me.

2003-03-27T20:06:00.000+02:00

I did a sketch of Avon and Blake hugging in bed, and now I want to develop it. Any suggestions? The Blake is too big, and the hands are crap, but have you got any more ideas?

2003-03-27T19:43:00.000+02:00

Alphabet quiz.

A - Act your age?

I've always felt older then people my age, whatever age I am, although that *doesn't* mean I can't be completely silly and ridiculous. I've been old since I was 6. I'm 23 now and I haven't changed much. Most of my friends are older than me.

B - Born on what day of the week?

Wednesday, I think. It's the one who works hard for its living (bwha-haha) or the one who has far to go. Can't remember the poem...

C - Chore you hate?

All of them. But cleaning out really disgusting mucky slimy mouldy bits is worst. I hate the condition our house (cheap student dive) is in.

D - Dad's name?

Harri.

E - Essential makeup item?

Erm, I don't wear much makeup. When I do, mascara and brown makeup pen are good for getting some colour into my face. I don't like having (the typical redhead) pale eyebrows and lashes because I look so anemic, but usually I can't be arsed to do anything about it.

F - Favorite actor?

God, too many to mention.

G - Gold or silver?

Silver, please. Although I can't wear any jewelry since the water here is so horrid it makes my skin break out in a rash if I wear *any* sort of jewelry. Even if it's gold.

H - Hometown?

Lahti, Finland, but at the moment, Southampton, UK.

I - Instruments you play?

None. I'm completely tone-deaf and can't understand music at all. I drum away on tin cans sometimes, but that's more shamanic nuttiness than anything resembling music.

J - Job title?

Student. Ha ha ha.

K - Kids?

Lightly grilled with lots of mayonnaise, please.

L - Living arrangements?

A medium-sized bedroom in a crappy mouldy creaky house, shared with two other Finnish students.

M - Mum's name?

Marjukka.

N - Number of people you've slept with?

Uh. Six? Eight? Depends on what you count as sex.

P - Phobia?

Great heights. Getting fishbones, pips or anything stuck in my throat.

Q - Quote you like?

At the moment, "please harass me!"--Steven Pacey to me.

R - Religious affiliation?

Pagan. And very eclectic at that.

S - Siblings?

Little sister, who is nothing like me. Except she has a rather fucked-up sense of humour and drools at Queer As Folk UK (although not nearly as much as I do).

T - Time you wake up?

As late as possible.

U - Unique habit?

I was thinking "wrapping my hair around like a rope and then twisting it into a knot on the top of my head to keep it up", but then I realized that my sister and some Indian sadhus do that as well. But I should imagine it's pretty rare.

V - Vegetable you refuse to eat?

Mmm... what are those long green beans called? I hate them. Although I'm sure there are worse.

W- Worst habit?

Addictions. Drinking too much, eating junk food, wanking so hard I'm sore, taking two sleeping pills instead of one...

X - X-rays you've had?

Leg and teeth, I think.

Y - Yummy food you make?

Chili, but that's mostly thanks to readymade sauces. Will do turkey breast bits tonight, mmm.

Z - Zodiac Sign?

Virgo. Which means I'm nitpicky, annoying and completely psychotic. Rather fitting, really.

2003-03-27T19:21:00.000+02:00

Yay! Quizzes!

10 things that turn me on.

1. A personality that combines intelligence with a mad
sense of humour and perviness. This is definitely *the*
#1 turn-on for me.

2. Porno-bass on selected pieces of music. The delicious
tickle-thrum of a bass guitar feels like a tongue on a
clit--I'm sorry, but it does. Mm. Deep and hard and
pleasurable. Good examples: A.W. Yrjana's bass riffs,
the bass track on New Order's Crystal, etc...

3. Certain accents. Welsh, Irish, Scots--the Celtic lilt
makes me go all wibbly. I can blame my obsession with
Fat Old Welshmen (Gareth Thomas, Anthony Hopkins, Terry
Jones) on this.

4. Well-written, hot slash with intense emotional
relationships and long, detailed sex scenes with inventive
twists. M. Fae Glasgow, Sebastian, Predatrix, Zenia, The
Magnificient Te, Torch... I'd be here all night if I'd try
to list them all out.

5. Beautiful words and images in general. Neil Gaiman's
prose often makes me go *aiiieeee* at the beautiful,
beautiful descriptions, and all those little *things*
he brings out... yummy. In the visual arts, some
pictures are so beautiful they can physically turn me
on just because of perfect proportions and composition
and the story told through the picture. Lots of Art Nouveau
and Romantic artists can give me visual orgasms with
pictures that have nothing to do with sex, I swear. And
when it comes to naughtier pictures, well, I have three
words for you: The Theban Band.

6. In looks: pale skin, dark hair, blue eyes (hi, Frank;)).
Isabelle Adjani must be the perfect example of this,
*sigh*... and I must confess a certain kink for redheads.
It's not narcissism, I swear. It's the alabaster *paleness*
combined with the fire of the hair--waah!

7. 17th century clothing, culture, 17th century *anything*.
I blame Alexandre Dumas for this. Dangle a musketeer in
front of my nose and I will be your obedient slave.

8. Androgyny--in a sensual, stylish, decadent way. I'm
thinking early David Bowie and Desire from Sandman here.
Boyband-pretty boys or uber-butch dykes don't really do it
for me. I guess I go for a certain "femininity"--I prefer
shaved armpits and at least a little bit of makeup on both
sexes, especially if they have short hair that's not dark.
Somehow a lot of long-haired people can manage to look
good without makeup. Sadly, I'm not one of these.

9. The way a person carries his/herself. If they're reasonably
happy with their bodies, and jolly, smiling and joking around,
they always appear gorgeous to me. I know several women who are
seriously overweight but are *stunning* because they have a
certain sensuality, a joie de vivre radiating through
their whole being.

10. Photoshop. Erm. You heard it. I guess it's the kick I
get out of creating something I end up feeling really happy
with, and it most often happens with Photoshop.

***

In other news: day 3 without alcohol. Also out of sleeping pills, so today's going to be difficult. Gah.

2003-03-25T22:58:00.000+02:00

New drawing (look, an actual *drawing*) on the drawings page. Mr. Mole trying to save me from sinful activities.

2003-03-24T16:55:00.000+02:00

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHAHAHAHA! Blake's 7 Guide to Gratuitous Groping. Have I told you how much I love you, Gemma?

2003-03-24T16:39:00.000+02:00

Smuttety-smut. I've created a bloody good Avon/Blake luuurve picture, part 3 in the series of Blake is seeing stars. It's on the (increasingly inapproriately titled) drawings page. "Blake is seeing stars" 1 & 2 are on the phnet (:::stabstabstab:::) site.

Where's my feedback, dammit? These are some of the best I've ever done... and yes, I am a sad whore with a bad self-esteem and massive ego problems.

2003-03-20T20:22:00.000+02:00

Ok, so Geocities is going to kill me. I just uploaded a naughty, naughty picture on to the drawings page, a new porn photomanip of Avon, go and take a look at it *now* before they kill me. NOW. And then come back and worship me, because it's *good*>:).

2003-03-20T20:00:00.000+02:00

Life hates me, so I've decided to post a horrid filk. It just popped into my head while going to the shower. Yes, it's a B7-pornified butchering of California Dreaming.

My whole tongue is brown (tongue is brown)
And Cally's face is grey (face is grey)

Cally saw me rimming (saw me rimming)
Blake's fat arse today (fat arse today)

She was gasping by the door: (by the door)
"I didn't know you were gay!" (you were gay)

I explained that we were bi (we were bi)
And we asked her to stay (her to stay)

So she started stripping (started stripping)
And joined us in our play (in our play)

First she was quite shocked (was quite shocked)
When I finger-fucked Blake (finger-fucked Blake)

Soon she just laughed (she just laughed)
And passed the Oil of Olay (Oil of Olay)

Blake was wet and open (wet and open)
Shouting, "more", "oh, yay!" ("oh, yay")

She went to shag Blake's front (shag Blake's front)
While I buggered away (buggered away)

Me and Cally came screaming (came screaming)
I thought she'd howl all day (howl all day)

We collapsed into a heap (into a heap)
"Good night", I tried to say (tried to say)

But I was half asleep (half asleep)
My brain had called it a day (called it a day)

Taught Cally fornication (fornication)
In the teleport bay...

2003-03-20T19:16:00.000+02:00

New scans of drawings. And the bloody mirror picture is *not* slashy! It fucking well isn't!

Anyone want to host a very very XXX-rated drawing of Avon sitting on Blake? In which you can see... everything? I can't upload stuff to phnet and I'm sure Geocities will kick my arse if I put a picture like that up there.

Oh, buggering *fuck*. Geocities won't allow the uploading of .zip files. I really need hosting help now8/. Anyone?

2003-03-20T17:11:00.000+02:00

Erm.

Are you British?

this quiz was made by Erin

Well, I am a *bit* surprised. Actually, the weirdest thing is, when I'm completely drunk my accent gets worse. But it's not a *Finnish* accent, it's a hybrid nutty lower-class *British* accent. Bloo-y 'ell. Actually, it could be bad Savo spoken in bad English with a slight South-West British/Finnish accent. With probably a bit of Mockney and Scouse. And yes, I know it sounds horrid. Frank can testify.

2003-03-20T16:24:00.000+02:00

AAAAARGH! Ozoneblue is up again! And I'm at college and can't surf and harvest freely!8( It's a fucking *fantastic* gay porn site with loads of great stuff. The pictures in the vintage section may look familiar to some of you--I've used many of those for my fakes. I'm especially frustrated because a couple of these guys just *are* Tarrant and Avon. GRR. And I haven't even had time to go through the other sections yet.

And this computer doesn't like my diskettes. Life hates me.

2003-03-20T15:15:00.000+02:00

Steve's got his Star One pictures up: Lots of Paul being a nutter, and a surprisingly large amount of gorgeous Tufty pics, considering how much Steve hates Tarrant;). I need to get a bigger one of the Tufty Club picture, who was it who said that Steve's just come to the Tufty coffee club to blow us all up:)? Anyway, Mr. Pacey looks very very happy to be surrounded by all of us adoring women.

2003-03-20T14:39:00.000+02:00

Grr, finally got the last Tuesday post up. Go and see the piccies! Go and see the piccies! Love Tufty!

2003-03-18T20:45:00.000+02:00

All right, I put some pictures up on Geoshitties. Tanith Lee loving Mr. Mole from Redemption and some silly fangirly pictures from Star One. Tell me if the page works. I don't have time to make flashy pages so all of the Geoshities stuff is just shite bare-bones old skool HTML.

Shit. Water bottle decided to spill its contents into my bag. Thank goodness I had most of my stuff out and on the table anyway, but GRR!

2003-03-18T19:01:00.000+02:00

This is not an ex-grouse. It's merely pining for the ~~fjords~~ lakes. To make it short: I've been ill as fuck, phnet hates me and thus my email is dead again (use the mistfowl at hotmail dot com if you need to contact me), and I'm developing a drinking problem because of the stress 8(.

In other news: STAR ONE! WHOOOOOOOOOO! I'm still recovering from the successful harassing of B7 actors. Steven Pacey likes gardening, apparently. Hm. Of course with a bait like that, I had to whip Mr. Moley out and ask what he thought of moles... now I've got a beautiful, beautiful photo of him smiling with Mr. Moley in his breast pocket. Mr. Moley says: "Whehee! I'm in the Tufty Tarrant man's pocket and he's *niiice*!" Jacqueline Pearce (god, she is GORGEOUS, I want to be as stunning as she is when I'm her age!) liked Moley a lot, too. I think her way of speaking rubbed off on me, now I'm calling *everyone* "dahling" in a deep throaty voice. Oh, and also got some autographs and photos of some chap called Paul Darrow. I think he played Avon or something. *thud*. Things got a bit disturbing at some point (well, I *was* wearing a rather, er, revealing shirt)...

Me (to Paul): "I hate to bother you, but could you please sign this for me?"

Paul (chuckling and turning the charm on full force): "Well, if you hate to bother me, then don't!"

Me (happy and wibbly): "Alright then! I admit, I *love* bothering you!"

Janet [Paul's lovely and equally charming/naughty wife] (picking up one lock of my hair): "Oh, you've got all this lovely hair!"

Paul (looking up from the book he's signing, talking to my cleavage): "It's not her hair I'm looking at!"

Janet (laughing): "I *know* what you're looking at!"

Me: !!!

Paul (peering at my chest): "No, I'm just checking her name on the badge..."

Me (laughing): "Yes, I'm *sure* you are"...

Erm. I think my work here is done. Remember, blokes, if you want to make comments about my boobs without me flying into a rage and thwapping you on the head, make sure you are an actor whose character I fancy far too much for my own good.

What really surprised, and also worried me a bit, was when I took one of my cartoons to Gareth Thomas to be signed. It's just a picture of Blake practicing a speech in front of the mirror and Avon telling him to bugger off because it's his turn to pose. Gareth signed it and said "what I don't understand is all this 'slash' thing that's going on..." not in an angry way, but the sort of a baffled way, but I went "ACKKKK!" in my mind, stammered something and worried that I'd offended him! I had deliberately chosen the least slashy picture in that book, and then he says something like that... he was nice and jolly though, so I *may* not have pissed him off. Heeelp! Frank said that maybe Gareth has got a slashdar, like some people have gaydar...

But anyway. Ee! EE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I'm still all fangirly and wibbly. I manage to distract "Avon" with my cleavage--now I can die happy.

2003-03-03T20:09:00.001+02:00

One more. I swear I'll go home soon.

Gemma found the most hilarious thing some time ago-- you take a look at it yourself.

Rather fitting, don't you think?

2003-03-03T20:05:00.000+02:00

Cheap cut-and paste and re-edit from an email to FC. Author/artist apologies.

Dear Blake,
I apologize for making you into much more of a manipulative bastard than most authors. I'm sure you really wouldn't BUARA (=Beat Up And Rape Avon, a very popular B7 slashfic genre), but you look damn sexy while doing that and I couldn't resist. I also apologize for all the angst, you don't deserve *that* much. I hope screwing Avon into senslesness and vice versa has made up for it a bit. And I also have to apologize for getting Bulwer-Lytton on your arse, it's just that poetic angstiness suits you beautifully. I blame it on your voice.

Dear Avon,
I apologize for making your thoughts rather purple at times, but I don't know if I should apologize for making you into a bastard tart, because it's so true it's almost canon. I do apologize for making you so randy you'll do anything with Blake, that must've been *so* damaging to your ego. *pet pet*

Dear Tarrant,
I apologize for making you even more brainless and foolhardy than you are in canon. I apologize for "lick it, flyboy", but not for the "not enough lube" picture, because you deserved it for not obeying The Lord.

Dear Soolin,
I apologize for practically turning you into a porn star. Well, at least as accommodating. I'm sure it's no worse than some of the things Dorian could come up with, though.

Dear Vila,
I'm sorry for having a fixation on your bum when it comes to Photoshopping. At least I make it look good every time.

Dear Travis,
I'm sorry for making you grope your Blake clone's arse and thus being punished by being turned into Brian Croucher. Nevermind, both of you are rather cute. And no, I won't apologize for using the word "cute".

Dear Jenna,
Sorry for making you into a proud tart who loves to torment Avon with the knowledge that she's shagging Blake and Avon isn't. It's not fair on any of you. Er.

And while I'm at it, some new ones:

Dear Dayna and dear Cally,
Sorry for moaning about you two being underwritten in the series, considering your major kickass potential, and then not managing to write anything interesting about either of you. This I am actually very, very ashamed about.

Dear Gan:
I'm dreadfully sorry for you being the only major character on B7 that I don't want to shag senseless. But look at it this way: no frightening images, no Intense Suffering brought on by Avon's bad moods, none of Blake's mad power games, no being found bound and gagged on a beach in Rio de Janeiro one morning with a lager bottle shoved up your bum. Aren't you glad now?

Dear Fifth Doctor:
Sorry for making you sweet and pliant and giving into the Master's mind/bodyfuck caresses. Considering Castrovalva, it's almost canon though.

Dear Christian Purcell (I'll buy you a pint if you recognize this obscure fandom):
No, I won't apologize, because I made you even hotter and gayer than you were to begin with, and most importantly, I lengthened your lifespan considerably. And I gave you Andrew to play with.

Dear Andrew Powell:
Sorry for making the games with Christian hurt so much. Even with your blood fetish. Hope the school tie didn't cause too many rope burns on your wrists. Cheers.

Must... stop...

2003-02-26T21:24:00.000+02:00

Aaaa! Redemption pictures!:):):) On Louise and Simon's website!:) They've got Fluffy! (who Mr. Moley is in love with, too) And Gina's porn boots (*thud*)! I can't believe she could actually walk in those things. I could barely restrain myself from licking them:D.

I need more pictures! Obviously Louise and Simon weren't hanging around the same things as I was, there was so much going on. And no Man of Iron pictures, either! Well, maybe that is a good thing.

2003-02-26T20:47:00.000+02:00

Trallalallala.

Scanning pictures off the Zenith magazine. Anyone want to see young Brian Croucher (Travis II) modelling swimming trunks? [squeee!] Am so glad that one of my favourite Avon pictures is in there, I finally got it scanned and printed out--I've wanted it on my wall for so long. Droolage.

My photos will be ready tomorrow, hope I get to scan them and put them up right after I pick them up. The chemist said they would be ready by lunch. *bounce!* Have to wait longer to get the one of Tanith cuddling and kissing Mr. Moley though. *pout*

Reading Predatrix's slash makes me *such* a happy bunny. I love authors who make Blake talk dirty and tease Avon masterfully. THUD. Oh, and she's hilarious as well:). I can't find a link to her fic page anywhere, dammit, I'm sure I had it on the Finnish computer. Grr. I am in love with The Endless Farce--especially with Avon Makes A Stand. The last sex scene in that story may be the longest A/B sex scene I've ever read, and it's *hot*. Teasing and building until it's unbearable8). I can't remember the last time I had to stop reading in the middle of a sex scene and excuse myself for a few minutes and come back later, just so I could read the rest of it without exploding. What is it, six or more A4 pages of 10pt double-column text, and I was already whimpering after two... that woman is a damn genius.

College? Shit and hell and annoying and I *don't* want to do the stuff they want us to. But for some reason, I'm ok with that--the fandom/slash fix is still keeping me high. *bouncebouncebounce*

2003-02-25T21:40:00.000+02:00

Pootpotpot!:)

Had a FANTASTIC weekend at Redemption '03--three days of fannish madness!:) Big hugs to everyone I met there:). I could write a huge long report, but I'm getting hungry and must leave the IT centre soon. It was definitely worth every penny--I had such a great time, and everyone was wonderful. Except evil Steve who was in one of his Og phases and wanted to use Mr. Moley as a condom. *fwap!* Tanith Lee loved Mr. Moley though, so he is feeling better now. And I survived *three* readings of the Man of Iron script without considerable brain damage--amazing. The amount of drinks I had on Sunday (and Gina's cuddles, and Gemma's soothing singing) may have helped with that.

I carted a ton of zines home--and that is very little. I need more! Waah! I got the last copy of Tales from Space City 1, and two of the stories I hadn't read before were apparently by M. Fae Glasgow--I was crying and melting at the same time. I also got three Predatrix ones--bounce! Hilarity! "Paula and Steve Stagger Home" had me and Jen (hi, Jen!) laughing all through Sunday/Monday night on the power of the Tarrant filk alone, I think I only got two hours sleep. Special thanks to Jen for the last-minute roomshare, it was wonderful to just gush and gush about slash for hours on end8).

*happysigh* '05 is too far away. Oh yes.

By the way, the naked Avon drawing I harassed people with is up here, comments please. I need to know how badly wrong his thighs and legs are.

2003-02-19T17:08:00.000+02:00

Hmm. A Butch/Femme test. I hit the exact middle--Androgyne. Hmm. Description fits quite well.

"You are the best of both worlds, and have absolutely no feeling of being either femme or butch. You see yourself as "you" and that's all that matters. You dislike labels, surprised yourself by even taking this test, and are now laughing as you identify with this definition!"

What did you guys get?

2003-02-19T16:06:00.000+02:00

Sigh, I give up. Have to upload the stuff to GeoShitties.

Handbags at twenty paces! and some Sims skins. The Tarrant looks frighteningly like Mulder when you put it on the 3D frame.

Pottety-pot.

2003-02-19T15:07:00.000+02:00

News: Sim addiction. And it's *bad*. I should never have touched the damn things:). THANK YOU, Frank, for lending me the cds:). I think I'm finally losing all resemblance of a life. Blake has already managed to kill himself twice, and also Avon, the first time around. I started again and there's a frightening love triangle developing between those two and Tarrant. Um. Yes, I know I need professional help.

In other news, the *flu*. Not just a common cold, but a big bad case of influenza. Great. Apparently I kept AD awake last night (wow, finally this way around) with my coughing. Now I'm sucking on lozenges and forcing myself to do research. Gah. And just when Redemption's around the corner. Nooo!

Bloody FTP. Won't let me connect to phnet.fi. Have the fuckers blocked access to other servers? MURDER!!!

Speaking of murder, The Last Detective makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. And gives plenty of "squee!" moments. Petey is still *such* a sweetie.

2003-02-14T18:12:00.000+02:00

Tra la la. Why am I still sitting on a Mac when my stomach's churning, my wrists are hurting from all the typing, and I need to go to town? "Oh, I am sorry I missed that. It's the sort of natural stupidity no amount of training could ever hope to achieve." Please feel free to correct that particular Avonism if I got it wrong. Gah.

Shit, these Macs don't have proper FTP programs. Who do I kill for this? Argh. Just when I scanned in a silly picture I did this morning. Grr.

2003-02-13T20:08:00.000+02:00

Insta-rec!

The Memory of Yes by Zenia. Very short and very lovely. It's beautiful, it's poetic and it's hot. *purr purr purr*

Dammit, I need more Blake/Avon NOW. *whimper*

2003-02-13T19:52:00.000+02:00

Zzzz. Actually slept last night. Only because Anna I. and Alex kept me awake through Wednesday, and for once I was happy for them doing that;). Alex gave us a lift to ASDA and back, which was a wonderful thing. Even with that I was still exhausted after lugging those huge bags of food around. Ugh.

I've been seriously ill with the insomnia for the last couple of days, and I'm surprised my tutor didn't actually kill me today. She's been very supportive, and I can't believe my luck. Gives me hope:).

And speaking of hope, two (hopefully) lovely things heading my way: Redemption next week, and tomorrow Moley's coming over!:) I hope it will be a good Valentine's. I deserve some relaxation, dammit. I'm absolutely knackered. Knackered, knackered, knackered. Perhaps I should drag my fat arse (and heavy A2 and A3 display books) home (biting cold wind and I'm only wearing my leather coat since the padded coat's fucking zipper broke) and slump (sleeeeeepppp). If sleep doesn't come, I've got a bottle of The Famous Grouse as backup. And yeah, I know I drink too much. *sigh* at least I don't have any weird sleeping pills anymore.

Hum de dum. I'm sure I had something weird to post, a picture or a bit of text... oh yeah, something so crap I don't even want to post it on FC, but will inflict on you instead--this is what comes out of my head after two pints of White Lightning:

Having a good drunken wallow,
watching if Avon will swallow,
or spit, hiss, snarl, throw a hissy fit
have his arse slicked with tallow
or just a bit of spit.
Blake's got awfully good hands, doesn't he?
Always sticking them where they shouldn't be
Avon can taunt him, Avon can mock
'til he's shut up with a big fat cock
down his throat or up his bum,
likes a good load of creamy cum
you never saw such a tart
fall in love with a bleedin' heart
but (sh)it happens, you see
Blake's like honey to a bee
He's strong and he's well hung,
Avon's bum is bound to be stung
Load of bollocks, "I want to be free."

Yes, I do drink too much.

2003-02-10T19:38:00.000+02:00

Hellooo. Thanks to everyone for the comments, I'm glad *someone* liked Soma. I don't know why I'm feeling a sort of guilt over it. After all, I think I am satisfied with the quality of it. But then I have this horrid fear of becoming the sort of a fanficcer who just writes their own weird visions of her favourite characters and the stories start going towards the "Any Two Guys"-land. Argh.

I find my stories are a lot like Zenia's, and when I hear people slagging her off, I keep wondering whether they think the same of my stuff. And whether there *is* something wrong in there which I should be concerned about. I find Zenia's characterization off sometimes (and sometimes more than a bit), but I can still enjoy the poetry and the incredible eroticism in her stories. I wish I could come up with metaphors like that, *grr*. Is this all about being so head over heels in lust with Blake that you just want to make him do the weirdest things? *sigh* I don't know. Bad ficcer. No tea for you tonight.

Which reminds me, I *should* get home. I'm starving. And out of burgers. Damn. And tons of homework. *Portraits*. They want us to do *portraits*. What the hell am I supposed to do? Waah!

Talk to me, folks.

2003-02-07T20:15:00.000+02:00

Friday Five:

1. What did you have for breakfast this morning? If you didn't have breakfast, why not?

Um. Two beef burgers (without buns, naturellement), one tomato, one big green pepper that was yucky, half a piece of rye bread with edam cheese. And a big cup of strong coffee with double cream. Mm.

2. What's your favorite cereal?

I can't eat cereal. I used to love Weetabix, and have to smack myself to keep from succumbing to its siren call.

3. How often do you eat out? Do you want that to change?

Not often. I don't know if I'd want that to change, having more money *would* be nice...

4. What do you plan on having for dinner tonight? Got a recipe for that?

Uh. More beef burgers, I guess, or hot dog sausages. Too tired to do anything else. Should eat the damn broccoli and lettuce I have in the fridge, wonder if they've started rotting by now?

5. What's your favorite restaurant? Why?

Maria's kebab/pizzeria on Vesijarvenkatu in Lahti. Their kebabs are the best ever, and you get water/juice, coffee and salad with the kebab with no extra cost. Kickass.

2003-02-07T19:53:00.000+02:00

Erm.

I, as a clerihew,
Tend to be merry; too
Merry, it might, perhaps, by some, be claimed;
But I'm sure that these people are wrong, and need to be grievously maimed.

What Poetry Form Are You?

That actually sounds like some of my stuff. Rhythmically, I mean. Ulp.

2003-02-07T19:36:00.000+02:00

Ow. Have been net-deprived for a week. This is Not A Good Thing.

Weekend in Bristol was... weird. I felt like an idiot with Gemma and Gina, like some twat who couldn't speak English to save her life and had weird ideas about B7 and ranted too much about the ridiculous prices of zines. I felt uncomfortable, well, maybe because Gina is too much like me, talking all the time;). So I went to Mole Hole. And Frank was *great*. Superbly nice, wonderful, tender and cuddly throughout the *whole weekend*. And we didn't have one single argument. Not *one*. Not even on *Monday*. It was amazing and lovely, and now I just feel damn alone and depressed.

Periods began, and inspiration is literally bleeding out, dammit. I wrote lots of stuff over the past week, managed to even finish one little smut snippet and wrote lots of fucked up Avon-Blake fantasies and got some more stuff done on The Porn Fic That Wouldn't Die. Now my stomach hurts, my back hurts, I'm tired and want to go to sleep. But I'm out of sleeping pills and booze (don't want to drink anyway). Wah. No wonder that I just spent the Monday/Tuesday night without sleeping at all. Potty-Grouse feel crap.

Anyway, here's the A/B snippet. And the Soma here is a reference to Tantric practices, not Vila's favourite drink. Squick warning for messiness.

***
Soma
by
Snowgrouse

***
Other times, he would dream of being naked, on his
knees in front of Blake, palms cupped in need, a
beggar's bowl.
He would keep still, as he was told, eyes cast down,
head bent in prayer.

Only when Blake's breath would come in ragged
gasps, only when he could hear Blake's hand
moving faster on his cock, only then would he
look up.

Blake would look back at him, straight at him, and
neither would close their eyes while Blake's
mouth formed words like "slut" and "gorgeous" and
"mine".

Then Avon would reply: "yours", and Blake would
come, come endlessly, come in Avon's hands, fill
his palms to the overflowing.

He wouldn't brush away any of the drops spilled
on his wrists, on his chin, not with a careless
hand, no, but would wait for Blake's smile and
nod.

Then and only then, he would bend his head, sip
the come from his palms, lick away every last
drop, drink the bitter chalice of Blake, his
smile wet and shining.
***

What scares me most is this bit I found when surfing for a proper title for the story. I had thought of using the term "soma" before (in some forms of Tantric practice, sperm is thought to be Soma, or "nectar of the gods", the "life-elixir", the most sacred of all drinks), but because of its association with the drug/drink in B7, I hesitated. Then I came across *this*, and I swear to Goddess, I read this after I'd finished the snippet:

"Then from his linga Shiva released his perfect seed which had the fragrant perfume of jasmine or the blue lotus. Agni took it into his
hands and drank it, rejoicing, thinking, ‘Elixir!’..."

...yes... this world is weird. I come across homoerotic sacred texts *after* writing fucked-up sex with elements of ritual worship. Yes...

2003-01-29T20:56:00.000+02:00

AAAAAAAAARGH.

Yes, tired, depressed and everything. Missed classes on Tuesday and am left behind like fuck. On top of it all, went to see the doctor today and he was a right twat. Grr.

Started a strict low-carb regimen again on Monday, as I have gained back just about all of the weight I lost two years ago. Feeling a bit better already. But I miss the cider. I just can't relax in the evenings, no matter how much I read or watch telly/videos, read slash/wank, no, I keep trembling and can't fall asleep:(... and the sleeping pills aren't helping either. Great.

But at least something good has come out of it. Coursework? Nah. Another Avon/Blake picture. Not too explicit, not perfect but I like it.

Avon showers Blake. (and yeah, Avon *must* be standing on a stool or something).

Can someone please send me more porn? I'm seriously running out of bodyshots here:(.

2003-01-24T20:44:00.000+02:00

Gah.

Bugger it. Can't go to Manna's place this weekend as I'm crushed under coursework. Ironically enough, one of the projects requires us to do research into time management. 9_9 I'm so damn pissed off and depressed, I could definitely use a weekend away. Next week I'll definitely go to Bristol. Must cuddle Frank. Must gush about Avon with Gemma. Wah.

I feel like I can't get enough sleep. My brain hurts. And my stomach has been upset for two weeks thanks to our tapwater being so shit (filtering can's filter is bust). Still furious about not being able to go to Manna's. Oh, and apparently Viccy can't make it to Star One. *great*. Why is everything going to hell suddenly? Perhaps I shouldn't make any plans at all, ever. *fume*

2003-01-23T15:10:00.000+02:00

Argh! Cannot! Resist! Survey!

1. Beatles or Elvis?

Um. Beatles.

2. What is your secret spy name?

Mary Sue.

3. When you were a kid, you wanted to grow up to be...?

She-Ra?

4. Ever had an odd pet (anything other than dog, cat, fish, bird?)

Nope.

5. Ever taken the purity test?

Several. And always end up in the top 5% pervs. Which is worrying, considering.

6. Is your hair colour currently your natural colour?

A bit redder than the boring old orangey thing.

7. Your current celebrity crushes?

Not celebrities but characters, really. Two thirds of the leading cast of B7, so there..

8. Do you own any Tupperware?

Actually, I don't think I do.

9. Ever re-gifted an item?

Yes. *grin*

10. Your favourite Stooge?

Teijan aija.

11. Daffy Duck or Donald Duck?

The Famous Grouse.

12. Favourite game to play?

Scrabble. Alias. Trivial Pursuit.

13. You do a GREAT impression of?

Erm. Frank says my Anthony Ainley impression is "frightening"... I guess I do a pretty good Riff Raff voice. *nasal honk*

14. Strange skill you have that not many people know about?

Nah. I let all hang out. As it were.

15. The body part you like best on yourself is?

*blink* on my body? *blink* er. All of the proportions are completely wrong...

16. A bad habit you have is?

Being tired. Or is that a habit? Been drinking too much recently.

17. The last concert you went to?

*blank* I really can't remember.

18. Kinkiest location you've ever done it?
Train? Tent?

19. Your favourite fast food burger is?

Anything with tons and tons of meat/chicken in it.

20. In the movie of your life, who do you want to play you?

Janeane Garofalo, dammit... but she'd have to undo her breast reduction and dye her hair and gain lots of weight...

21 Your dream car?

A red Mini, a VW minibus or an antique hearse.

22. Your favourite comic strip is?

The Sandman. Dork Tower.

23 Do you still have your appendix?

Yup.

24. Toilet paper: rolled under or over?

Over.

25. Your favourite doughnut?

Yuck.

26. Favourite football team?

Would have to be a football team of Time Lords. In full ceremonial gear. And Aggedor as the goalie.

27. Favourite Simpsons quote:

*blink* can't remember, but there are a couple of scenes that haunt me forever. One being the Shining parody and the other being Smithers dreaming of Burns flying in through the window into his bed... aaargh! Brain scrub!

28. Do you collect anything interesting?

Nothing interesting, no.

29. What are your hobbies?

Sad fandom, drawing, writing, reading, wanking, boozing, sleeping, sleeping and sleeping.

30. Your favourite form of chocolate?

Fazer's Blue or Golden.

31. Your guilty pleasure?

I have had my sense of guilt surgically removed and replaced with a glow-in the dark vibrator with twinkling lights.

32. Your favourite piece of sushi?

I sincerely hope I will never ever have to eat any. I fucking *hate* fish.

33. Your favourite way to blow 20 quid on?

Erm. Tapes, DVDs?

34. Your personal theme song?

Impaled Nazarene: Vitutuksen Multihuipennus/Masterbator/Vitutation on a permanent loop.

35. Do you have any jewellery that contains your birthstone?

Peridots on engagement ring, which I cannot wear anyway... I think the drinking water here has made me allergic to *all* jewellery.

36. Your favourite sandwich?

Low-carb rye bread (Ruispalat or Rukiiset) with edam cheese, (Finnish) beef mince patty, ketchup, free-range fried egg.

37. The furthest place you've ever travelled to?

Um. Somewhere in the Med, I guess.

38. What would you do with a million dollars?

Rest.

39. What is one of your life goals?

Right now, sleep.

40. Your favourite foreign language film?

Bwhahaha. I don't think I like *any* Finnish-language films, so basically all of my favourite movies are "foreign";)...

2003-01-23T14:14:00.000+02:00

BLOODY ISP screwing with my mail again. Please resend me your stuff if you tried mailing me anything last night, folks. It better work now, or I'm personally going back to Lahti to strangle the phnet wankers.

So tired I could die. Perhaps I should just fall asleep and do nothing. *thump*

I feel so fucking useless, being an insomniac. Too weak, too tired, all of the time. :(

Ei aika mene helminauhaan
hyvin hetkin hyvailtavaan
se kuiluun mustaan pisaroi ja maahan imeytyy... AWY *on* jumala.

2003-01-22T19:10:00.000+02:00

Oh. Almost forgot. I must indulge in a little happydance. I read out some of my latest fic out to Manna over the phone and she *liked* it. She *liked* it. Even though it was full of fucked-up metaphors. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *bounce bounce bounce* My self-esteem is back, for The Great Beta likes my puny fic. *boing boing boing!*

2003-01-22T18:48:00.000+02:00

Long time no see.

Had a lovely fluffy huggly weekend with Frank--yay! Seems I got the cuddles my horoscope promised, after all;)...

Terribly stressed and squashed under *tons* of work, so will try to make this short. Did one more B7 hetporn picture, and yes, it is very, very corny. Avon giving Jenna a rough shag. (not to mention hardcore, so beware).

Blah. Should be making icons, icons, icons. And spending yet more money on art supplies (already spent more than 30 quid this week on display books and paper, yay...not). Grr. The work is breathing down my neck, so I guess I should stop *now* and drag my ass out of here...

2003-01-17T15:46:00.000+02:00

Pictures.

Here's an early sketch of the logo. The final shape was the same. It's a sleeping snowgrouse, designed for after-ski wear.

And, just because I can, some more B7 stuff. A het fake, can you believe it? Avon and Cally in the grass.

2003-01-16T18:09:00.000+02:00

...and then I surfed over to The Tarrant Nostra. And found some pretty damn frightening pictures. I think I should print this page out, caption and all. Oh please, look at it. It is one of the scariest things I've ever seen in my entire life. It makes me feel... well... *is suddenly hit on the head by a frightening teengoth flashback and starts humming "Jesus Christ Looks like me...."*

Er.. help? Damn, why does that gorgeous, gorgeous smile have to be so infectious? I think it's time to manip a Mary Sue or three into that picture...8)

Great. I am mood-swinging from homicidal to suicidal to squee!giggly to *THUD*y.... but I hereby praise any existent or nonexistent deities/natural forces that have brought this world the sweetness that is Tufty. Even today, he is just... stunningly gorgeous. (But what the hell has he done to his hair?;))

*sigh* I'll float away on a cloud of Tufts, then... hope they keep me afloat. Otherwise I'll just... drown. Imagine the combination of the Swamp'o'Zombies in TTT and Cmx:s Minun Sydameni on Sarkynyt-video. Chained and drowning... ack. Must stop thinking about crap... must keep grasping at tufts...

2003-01-16T17:55:00.000+02:00

VITTUSAATANAVITTU, VITTUSAATANAPERKELE, VITTUSAATANAVITTU, VITTUVITUNVITTU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKING FUCKING SHITTING FUCK!

My snowgrouse logo *barely passed*. BARELY PASSED. After all the effort I put into the research, the tutor still marked research and development as poor. The only nice comment she made was on the fact that I'd actually bothered to stitch the logo onto my glove. Fucking FUCK. I can't believe this. My shit hack-job of a postcard project got *55%* which is a damn good grade, so I was pretty happy and confident about the logo, since whatever the fuck *they* might think, I did FUCKING WELL with that logo. But the damn BITCHES gave me 44% which is barely above pass (40%)-- WHO CAN I EVISCERATE?!?!?!!?

I am so fucking angry right now, FURIOUS. After all that HARD WORK, after all that MONEY and ENERGY and tears I put into it, all the LOVE and the enthusiasm and happiness and inspiration--thanks, it's so fucking fantastic to know that all of those don't mean *shit*. Even though the end result is good. PERKELE.

Kill. Kill.

KILL.

2003-01-15T22:45:00.000+02:00

Ok, fixed the snuggle pic so now it looks even better. *smug grin*

Ja Kersa, kommentoi, perkele. Ja emo kans. Vaik o homoi. Koska ne on hianoja. NII. *taputtaa jalkaa karsimattomana*

Damn, wore a shirt with far too much, er, cleavage. Result: spilled cocoa over boobs. Reaction: *ow*. Must shuffle back home now. Ee-urp. But OI, BOOTYPUSHA, GIT YER GHETTOASS DOWN TO DA COMMENTZ FEATUR-UHH! (maybe I need to communicate to my sis in Ali G language so she'll understand).

Where the hell did I put the Ali G translator link? Is it here? Yess! It is! Whoo!

2003-01-14T20:16:00.000+02:00

Er, *ulp*...

What type of Mary Sue are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-01-14T19:28:00.000+02:00

Almost forgot. I hereby announce one of my best fakes ever>:).

Avon and Blake (natch).

Post coitum, animal triste.

*sits back and waits for the comments*

2003-01-14T19:26:00.000+02:00

Email working again. Phew.

For some reason, the version of Paint Shop Pro I've got on my home computer actually *wants* to take screengrabs of RealMedia files. And, well, I had these B7 songvids lying around... *MWHAAAAHHHAHA!* Feast your eyes on these:

*Nice.* I am *so* not going to use that for nefarious purposes, oh no... *BWHAHHAHA!*
And ditto on this.
Got one, er, useable shot of Blake, too...
...and I just had to snap this... (tries not to make stupid jokes about the Welsh)
...and this, he's just way too pretty when he's Suffering Emotionally Because of Blake Being Too Good To Him.
Ok, I got one of Soolin as well, any suggestions on the possible uses of this welcome;). Accompanying bodyshots of Silvia Saint would be even better...

Hope the links work, my ISP has been so shitty recently... *sigh*.

2003-01-13T17:41:00.000+02:00

MotherFUCK... my ISP keeps bouncing my bloody email.

Kill. Maim. Fold. Spindle. Mutilate.

All I can say is that if you've tried emailing me, keep trying and trying, the things may come through eventually. If that doesn't work and you desperately need to contact me (hah), email me at mistfowl at hotmail dot com. I hardly ever read that, though... posting here might be your best option.

And before I die of hunger, here is some more porn (ok, cute images really, not very naughty):

The real reason why Servalan had Travis reprogrammed. He took the original one to the Clone Masters but he kept developing a... thing for every Blake clone around. At least he was finally happy...

Blake: "Oi! Avon! Don't you get fag-ash on Sarkoff's genuine antique rug!"
Avon: "Fuck off. I'm trying to read. This is a very challenging technical manual..."
Vila: "Ah, so *that's* where my copy of the Kama Sutra got to!"

2003-01-10T18:06:00.000+02:00

Oh re-he-heally?

Well look at you. Not much you can say
against

a giant, evil eyeball who very nearly took over

Middle-Earth.

Advice: Don't underestimate the little furry
guys.

Don't say *anything*, Viccy, don't say a fucking *thing*...>;)

2003-01-10T16:28:00.000+02:00

Wankahs! No comments, boo. Shall I have to whine more?;) At least I have reason to--I am dizzy from blood loss, from both ends... not just periods (owwww) but from being An Accident-Prone Twat(TM) once again last night. I cut my right hand's middle finger almost to the bone, on the side of a goddamn tuna can. Took half an hour to stop the bleeding, arrrgh... the kitchen sink looked like a murder site before I wiped it8P.

Typing on a Mac with a hurting wrist and a middle finger wrapped in bandages is an... interesting experience. I'm sure somebody wants me *not* to use my inspiration. Despite a half-crippled hand I *did* manage to write some of my A/B WP. It's about 300 words longer than Incandescent now, and not even halfway through. Ulp. Why does this scare me? Anwers: a) the longer the story, the more plot it's going to require, even if it's a PWP. Aaaargh. b) A longer format may cause brain haemorrhage to anyone reading it thanks to the purple style. c) I'm scared to post it anywhere because it's going to be from Avon's POV. So many fans love Avon and there are as many interpretations of his character as there are fans--nevertheless I'm afraid many people will think I'm butchering their favourite with this particular characterisation. Why the hell do all of my fanfics have the characters being completely nuts? What pisses me off even more is that good writers can make the characters act as weird as possible while still keeping them believeable:). I don't think I'm that good... *perfectly timed pause*... yet>;).

2003-01-09T18:46:00.000+02:00

Off to the ~~gallows~~ feedback session. Wish me luck. My tutor had better fucking *worship* my snowgrouse logo. She. Had. Better. Grr.

2003-01-09T17:05:00.000+02:00

Gah gah gah, getting pissed off. Really. I didn't expect so, being allowed the luxury of nigh-endless surfing, but nevertheless. The links my mates have sent somehow manage to lead me to places and things that piss me off. Or, worse, I read things written by friends that piss me off and only serve to remind me of... distance. Emotional distance being far, far worse than the hundreds or thousands of kilometres separating us.

Blah. Now I don't feel confident about my writing (or drawing/Photoshopping) either. Why the hell do I even interact with people? Of course, you *have* to take flames and rejection for everything you send out into the world, that's the price you pay for getting some... acceptance? Response, making others happy with stuff that I like doing? Ego-stroking? What is it that I'm looking for? All of those and more. God, now I sound like such a twat, probably looking like a teenager who's asking herself these things for the first time. No, I'm not:P. AAAAAARGH! NERVOUSNESS! Can't I do anything right? I'm worried about what my tutor is going to say later today. I'm worried about the reactions of my betas to my WIPs when I send the stuff to them (you've seen the bit in Holy Grail where Terry Gilliam has a heart attack, right? Right). I'm worried whether I'll be able to stop myself from physically hurting Certain People if they can't open their mouth without slagging me off (honestly, I am talking "getting Lizzie Borden on their ass-"angry here). I'm worried whether I will make it home tonight, I'm so goddamn angry.

I hereby apologize for being a selfish human warmth-leech. And an annoying pervy bitch. And being so fucking obsessed with stupid ancient tv programmes. And producing stupid gay porn on Photoshop and Notepad. Grumpy, clingy, noisy, disgusting, useless.

...and a whiner with no self-esteem. *hits self on head with a big Reality Check stick* sorry, I'm afraid you guys will just have to put up with me.

...and even that last comment's spine is crushed because I don't know where to insert a "fucking" in that sentence. It desperately needs a "fucking".

Two hours. Two *hours* before feedback session. Why don't they have Valium dispensers at the Institute?

2003-01-09T15:33:00.000+02:00

Hiya!

Well, I suppose I should recount the horrid experiences with Scandinavian Airlines, the good lord Thor being in a mightily pissed off mood and... well. I was supposed to leave for Britain on Monday. Was my plane two hours late? No, it was four hours late. No, scratch that, it was cancelled altogether. "There is something rotten in the state of Denmark". A huge snowstorm and ensuing air traffic jams closed off the Copenhagen airport completely. Great. I had to queue for three and a half hours for a new ticket--cheers, SAS, for putting only one person on the desk with something like this going on, more than a hundred people needing assistance... I was positively murderous at the end of the evening, but gladly I got Dad to get me back home for the night. At least I got to go to the sauna for one last time on Tuesday morning. Then on a new flight via Stockholm, which was delayed as well because they spent the better part of 45 minutes unfreezing the plane at the Finnish end (it is a profoundly weird experience to sit on a plane when they spray it all over with antifreeze, I'm telling you). Oh, and at the Stockholm end we of course missed the connecting flight to Heathrow, and had to wait two hours for the next one. I can't describe in words how much I HATE walking around the endless corridors of Arlanda with heavy bags--they should get a train system or at least conveyor belt ramps (or whatever the hell you call them in English) like those on Heathrow. Now I've got a sore wrist *again*, whopee-doo. Also, at the Heathrow end, the main route to the central bus station was under repairs (of *course) and I had to run around like a headless chicken to find my way to the bus stop. Managed to get on the last bus of the night to Southampton (can't believe my luck...) and finally arrived somewhere around 2 AM. And did Anna I. open the door for me (since I had left my keys to Tiina when I left)? No, she bloody well didn't. I threw stones at the window and bellowed in my best Brian Blessed voice, and finally her *boyfriend* realized someone needed to get in and opened the door for me. I don't even want to know what would've happened if Alex hadn't been in...

*draws breath* there. Got that off my chest. And guess what? I think I even made the deadlines. Submitted stuff earlier today, and now they want us to stick around and come back at five PM to collect our work. Can't really go to ASDA before that, though, dragging shopping bags back and forth doesn't appeal. Especially with the damn wrist. And yeah, I realize I'm still typing like mad when I shouldn't. Of course, I've got PMS as well, and want to use every drop of hormonal inspiration and talent while I've still got it.

I'm free tonight though. Whohoo. Drawing! Writing! Photoshopping! Cider!>;)

2003-01-06T09:26:00.000+02:00

Ta-ra, then, Potty is off to Southampton, blah. The good thing is that I think the Deadlines of Doom will be on Thursday instead of Tuesday--phew. Knowing my luck, they've changed them without telling me, though...

See ya, and keep commenting! At least there won't be such a huge flood of porn coming your way now...;)

2003-01-05T22:11:00.000+02:00

Annoyance. The damn CD-RW drive is bust as always, and now I'm trying to save all the hundreds of files I've gathered during the holidays onto old diskettes. The KRR-CHUNK, KRR-CHA-CHUNK noises aren't exactly filling me with hope of the files surviving:P...

Oh. And I'm going to Redemption. Or something. Whoa. Thanks, Manna. *bouncebouncebounce*

2003-01-05T05:05:00.000+02:00

And of course, now I actually realized that the bumshot link wasn't working either...and I swear to Goddess, it fucking well *is* fixed now.

*sigh* me, a HTML geek? Butterfingers, more like.

BTW, finished knitting Mr. Icklemole's red scarf yesterday (while watching B7 with Kaisa). Mr. Icklemole looks very handsome, very dapper, sir!:) And he's snuffling happily, puffing his lickle chest with pride.

Finally slumping off to bed.

2003-01-05T01:00:00.000+02:00

Fixed the links to the ~~hard~~ ~~soft~~ considerable evidence of Blake's... finer assets.

Fuck, I need a t-shirt that says SAD BASTARD. I really do.

2003-01-04T21:50:00.000+02:00

Good deed of the day: I managed to install a commenting system on Jem's blog. I *think*. For I am a nice little girl scout, yo.

Absinthe still not helping, though. Yet again, I yearn for the knockout mallet. And maybe a Forceful!Blake to shag me unconscious.

My fanon Blake is starting to scare me. Not because he's got several screws loose in his head thanks to the mindwipe (thus making him discipline Avon by shagging him up the arse all across the flight deck like an Energizer bunny), but because of his, er, physique. No added muscles or anything, but just a nagging voice in my mind insisting he's hung like a mutant donkey on Viagra. It is there, somewhere under that tantalizing shadow of a tunic, it's there, in the posing ("thanks for the back-rub, Avon"), it fucking well *is* there. (Stop staring at Jenna's tits or Largo's arse or Avon's sneer, damn you.)

Aahhaha. Just looked at the list of the top 50 downloaded B7 images from framecaplib.com. Glad to see that the Soolin-Tarrant-Dayna triple bumshot is still in the lead. Arguably the best bums in the series, true... and just *look* at the amount of slashy Blake/Avon images on the top list--it is frightening, isn't it?:D

2003-01-04T21:01:00.000+02:00

Here's to the Green Fairy. Drinking the last dregs of my absinthe, because there's no other booze available. The trembling still hasn't stopped, and happiness is still far from my grasp. Goddammit.

2003-01-04T20:26:00.000+02:00

Wah, fucking *wah*.

Pissed off. Stressed. The old shaking and trembling has come back again. Just *wonderful*.

I've done so much stuff for other people today, and now I can't relax enough to have my own fun. Besides, Mum is being noisy and fucking annoying, cleaning everything (as usual) and rattling all sorts of little boxes while rearranging the drawers in the hall. I want to strangle her. Slowly.

2003-01-03T17:53:00.000+02:00

Damn, I'm going to miss the February book sales when I'm in Britain:P. Info seems to have several Krtek (Little Mole) books in their sale catalogue:/... *sniffle*.

2003-01-03T17:39:00.000+02:00

Ahh. Kaisa has just left the building. Again, she *enjoyed* watching several episodes of B7, even one she'd seen before. I have faith in this country's youth:).

Kaisa, if you ever read this--you *are* my long lost little sister. You must be;).

2003-01-03T12:03:00.000+02:00

Vila takes a break.
Wearing his beloved thermal undies.
(Can you see a theme developing? It's still -25, goddammit.)

2003-01-03T08:56:00.000+02:00

Damn. How can hair dye make one's face look flabbier? I look like a redhead version of movie Gríma.

Damn.

2003-01-02T19:59:00.000+02:00

*yaaawwnnn*

Tired.

Made Mum put henna in my hair today. Whoo. Although now it seems my face and neck are more red than my hair. Ugh. Wish the colour would've been a bit deeper, the end result makes me look like Pippi bloody Longstocking...

2003-01-02T11:27:00.000+02:00

THANK YOU, FRANK!!!!!!!!!!:):):):):)

Your gift arrived today. Thank you *so* very much for helping me out:((... *sniffle*. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For being a lovelymole!

*Grouseyspin!*:)

(:>*.0:)

2003-01-02T06:51:00.000+02:00

Erm, *eek!*

What Slashy Krycek Cliche Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Holy shit! You are one demented, evil psycho, Krycek! You enjoy sadistic mind games, kidnapping, brutal rape, and prolonged torture. You live to murder, defile, and terrify Mulder and those he loves. There's nothing you like better in the world than tying Mulder up, raping him with all sorts of despicable instruments, then ripping his fingernails off one by one. You do it under the CSM's orders, if it's convenient, or you act alone. You scare me, Evil Psycho Bastard Cliche Krycek!

(editor's note: the scary dude in the image is not Alex Krycek, but Aphex Twin--one scary psycho, wouldn't you say?)

2003-01-02T06:30:00.000+02:00

Wow. Blogspot not dead anymore. And the link to the instaslash on my server *should* work now. And hey, Frank, please be patient, ok?

2003-01-01T19:01:00.000+02:00

Oh, *gods*. Took the Web Design Purity Test at armory. com and came out as 91.5% Web design geek, only 8.5% pure.

Maybe I should get a life or something?

p.s. Kebab good. Blogspot and LJ down. Bummer. But kebab *good*.

2003-01-01T17:48:00.000+02:00

*stomach gurgling*

Blah. Dad gave money to order kebab, but the bloke at Maria's said that it'll take at least an hour before they can deliver it, they're so damn busy. Argh. Hungrypot. It better be their good old-stylee kebab when they finally deliver it, grr... with proper sauce and everything.

*chomps off a piece of the monitor*

2003-01-01T17:28:00.000+02:00

Ah well, whattafuck.

I caved in.

Instaslash, with some actual grammar included, on my server.

2003-01-01T16:14:00.000+02:00

Hum de dum.

Happy 2003, people. Or something. I was happily sleeping while the year turned, so... thank goodness for earplugs and Mums having pity on poor insomniac daughters and finally dosing them with proper sleeping pills. For the first time in weeks, nay, *months*, I actually had a good night's sleep. From 10 PM to 2PM, would you believe it. *Ahhh*.

Had nightmares about college though. The strangest thing was, I was panicking because I'd skipped months' worth of maths and biology classes. WTF? We don't *have* maths and biology classes. Weird.

I haven't seen either Anna R. or Alpo this holiday. Bummer. :(

2002-12-31T22:35:00.000+02:00

*jesus*... I really will have to nick a Javascript like this, won't I?

Be forewarned, this script's story bits have appalling grammar. At least with the prompt asking for a Mary Sue as well, you know you're in for a hilarious ride... (the history of my Mary Sue Hippula is a goddamn long story, and painful to hear, so please don't ask...)

***

Instant Slash Story!

The darkness was all around as avon walked through grassy knoll down towards his divan, random thoughts of rimming crossing his mind.

He had been shocked earlier when Hippula had told him she often dreamed about Servalan involved in buggery with a og , but each to their own, she didn't know about his fantasies involving blake .

One day he would discuss his feelings with Vila, but not yet, he still hardly believed how aroused he could be by just thinking of blake masturbating himself with a anal beads.

The night air was fresh and he sat down in a quiet location and began to stroke the spatula he was carrying with him. Would blake's bum feel like that to his cock?

What would blake think of him if he knew how his cock grew hard as he thought of eating mushroom concentrate off blake's beautiful balls?

avon rubbed the spatula against his bum whispering blake's name to himself. He knew he should stop and wait until he got back to his divan but desire overtook him and he came, screaming blake's name into the night.

Meanwhile, blake had not been able to sleep and had decided to go out in the night air. grassy knoll was such a beautiful place at this time of the night. He took a bite of the mushroom concentrate he was carrying and leisurely scratched his bum.

He jumped in alarm as he heard a voice in the distance. Was that avon calling his name. He must be in trouble to shout for him with such desperation. He dropped his mushroom concentrate and ran towards the sound of his munchkins's voice.

blake stumbled through the darkness towards avon. Panicked thoughts ran through his head. Was his munchkins being attacked by a og. Was he about to be raped by Travis dressed as Servalan? His heart beat faster and he felt the pulse throbbing in his cock.

avon, avon, my munchkins, screamed blake. It's alright, I'm coming, I'll save you! avon leaped to his feet in panic, dropping the spatula and trying to untangle his trousers from around his ankles. He fell over, his bare balls pointing in the air.

blake! avon gasped embarrassedly. What are you doing here? Vila said you were in your divan engaged in some rimming with Hippula.

No, I was alone in my divan with nothing but my anal beads for company. I couldn't sleep for thinking how beautiful your balls was, and how I would like to stroke my bum against it, and have you kiss my cock, and now I see your balls for myself I realise that not even Servalan has a balls to compare with yours.

Oh, munchkins, Vila said you felt that way but I never believed him, I thought you loved Hippula.

What! That old og, I'd rather get involved in buggery with Travis, a spatula and mushroom concentrate than dream of rimming with her, Ooh, the very thought makes my cock curl.

Oh, avon!

Oh, blake, my munchkins!

Cue soft music, sounds of rimming and buggery, soft focus and fade.........

2002-12-31T20:50:00.000+02:00

BWAAHHAHAAHA!

Random slash generator!

Too bad the thing is buried under a heap of Angelfire banners. I'm almost, *almost* tempted to nick the JavaScript for this and put it on a bannerless page.

2002-12-31T19:14:00.000+02:00

Soolin Smut! Rejoice!

Soolin about to take a nice, relaxing bath. Mmm, *yummy*.

As I will, soon--just put the sauna on. Mmm.

2002-12-31T11:40:00.000+02:00

Avon Smut! Rejoice!

"While I was bathing!"

And now I want comments from *everyone*, goddammit. Grh. Or *else*.

2002-12-31T07:18:00.000+02:00

I want to be happy, goddammit.

Now, I'm just spending my days and nights either grumpy, drunk or drugged or wanking. And even that is not enough. I am addicted to... the feeling of a *rush*, a rush of feeling good and happy and, I guess. There is *not* enough love in my life. I don't feel steady *at all*. I don't believe life is good, I don't feel happy. It's all just stress and conflict and not even any hugs.

The worst thing about all this is that I know it's mostly me who's placed me into this situation. The knowledge that I *do* have power over my own life, but am too exhausted and fucked in the head to do anything about it. Slump. FUCK IT!